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I DON'T UNDERSTAND why it happened. You and I loved each other, we had the kids, and had just finished redecorating. We were happy. There was no reason for what I did. No sense to it. No excuse, unless there was something about her which simply drew me. But why me, and not somebody else?
She was very tall, and extremely slim. She had short blonde hair and nothing in her head except cheekbones. She came into the room alone, and John immediately signalled to her. Drunkenly he introduced her to Howard and I, telling us her name was Vanessa, and that she worked in publishing. I caught you glancing over, and then looking away again, unconcerned. John burbled on at us for a while about some project or other he was working on, and then set off for more drinks, pulling Howard in his wake.
By then I was pretty drunk, but still able to function on the level of "What do you do, blah, this is what I do, blah". I talked with Vanessa for a while. She had very blue eyes, a little curl of hair in front of each ear, and the way her neck met her shoulders was pleasing. That was all I noticed. She wasn't really my type.
After ten minutes she darted to one side to greet someone else, a noisy drama of squeals and cheek-kisses. No great loss: I've never found publishing interesting. I revolved slowly about the vertical plane until I saw someone I knew, and then went and talked to them.
This person was an old friend I hadn't seen in some time—Roger, the one who got divorced last year—and the conversation took a while and involved several drinks. As I was returning from fetching one of these I noticed the Vanessa woman standing in the corner, holding a bottle of wine by the neck and listening patiently to someone complaining about babysitters. I suffered a brief moment of disquiet about ours—we suspected her of knowing where our stash of elderly dope was—and then made myself forget about it. When you're thirty all your friends can talk about are houses and marriage; by a few years later babies and their sitters become the talk of the town. It's as if everyone collectively forgets that there's a real world out there with interesting things in it, and becomes progressively more obsessed with what happens behind their own front doors.
I muttered something to this effect to Roger, glancing back across at the corner as I did so. The woman was swigging wine straight from the bottle, her body curved into a swan's neck of relaxed poise. I couldn't help wondering why she was here alone. Someone like that had to have a boyfriend.
Then I noticed that she was looking at me, the mouth of the bottle an inch from her wet lips. I smiled, uncertainly.
WE NEVER REALLY SPENT much time in Mornington Crescent. Nothing to take us there, I suppose. Not even really a proper district as such, more a blur between Camden and the top of Tottenham Court Road. I remember once, when Maddy was small, telling her that the red two-story building we were driving past had once been a station like Kentish Town's, and that in fact there were many other disused stations, dotted over London. Mornington Crescent tube was shut and supposed to be being renovated, but I told Maddy I didn't believe them. She didn't believe me at first, but I showed her an old map, and after that was always fascinated by the idea of abandoned stations. York Road, Down Street and South Kentish Town—which you can see when you pass it underground, if you know when to look. Places which had once meant something to the people who lived there, and which were now nothing but scar tissue in a city that had moved forward in time. Mornington Crescent opened again, in time, proving me wrong and providing both of us with a lesson in parental fallibility.
Then down towards the Euston Road, the part of the walk you never liked. It's a bit boring, I'll admit. Nothing but towering council blocks and busy roads, and by then you'd be complaining about your feet. But I'll walk it anyway. It's part of the trip, and by the time I come back it will all have changed. Maybe it'll be less boring. But it won't be the same.
ONE IN THE MORNING. The party was going strong—had, if anything, surged up to a new level. I saw that you were still okay, sitting cross-legged on the floor in the living room and happily arguing with Suzy about something.
By then I was very drunk, and on something like my seven billionth trip to the toilet. I reached down with my hand as I passed you, and you squeezed it for a moment. Then I flailed up two flights to the nearest unoccupied bathroom, cursing John for having so many stairs. The top floor of the house was darker than the rest, but I'd worn a channel in the new carpet by then and found my way easily enough.
Afterwards I washed my hands with expensive soap for a while, standing weaving in front of the mirror, giggling at my reflection and chuntering cheerfully at myself.
Back outside again and I seemed to have got more drunk. I tripped down the small flight of steps that led to the landing, and reached out to steady myself. Suddenly my mouth was filled with saliva and I had a horrible suspicion I was about to christen the house, but a minute of deep breathing and compulsive swallowing convinced me I'd survive to drink another drink.
I heard a rustling sound, and turned to peer through a nearby doorway. I recognized the room—it was one John had shown us earlier, destined to become his study. "Where you'll sit becoming more and more successful," I'd thought churlishly to myself. At that stage it didn't seem very likely he would commit suicide six years later.
"Hello," she said.
The woman called Vanessa was standing in the empty room, over by the window. Cold moonlight made her features look as if they'd been moulded in glass, but whoever'd done it must have been pretty good. Without really knowing why, I stumbled into the room, pulling the door shut behind me. As she walked towards me her dress rustled again, the sound like a shiver of leaves outside a window in the night.
We met in the middle. I don't remember her pulling her dress up, just the long white stretch of her thighs. I don't remember undoing my trousers, but someone must have done. All I remember is saying "But you must have a boyfriend," and her just smiling at me.
It was insane. Someone could have come in at any moment.
But it happened.
TOTTENHAM COURT ROAD. Home of cut-price technology, and recipient of many an impulse buy on my part. When we walked down it towards Oxford Street you used to grab my arm and try to pull me past the stores, or throw yourself in front of the window displays to hide them from me. Then later I'd end up standing in Marks & Spenser for hours, while you dithered over underwear. I moaned, and said it was unfair, but I didn't really mind.
Past the Time Out building, where Howard used to work, and then the walk will be over. At the junction of Oxford Street and Tottenham Court Road I'll turn around and look back the way I've come, and say goodbye to it all. Sentimental, perhaps: but that walk means a lot to me.
Then I'll go down into Oxford Street tube and sit on the Piccadilly Line to Heathrow.
I have a ticket, my passport and some dollars, but not very many. I'm going to have to find a way of earning more sooner or later, so it may as well be sooner. I've left the rest of our money for you. If you're stuck for a present for Maddy's birthday I've heard her mention the new Asylum Fields album a couple of times. Though probably she'll have bought it herself, I suppose. I keep forgetting how old they've got.
After those ten minutes in John's study I came downstairs again, suddenly shocked into sobriety. You were sitting exactly where I had left you, but it felt like everything else in the world had changed. I was terrified that you'd read something from my face, realize what I had done, but you just reached up and yanked me down to sit next to you. Everybody smiled, apparently glad to see me. Howard passed a joint. My friends, and I felt like I didn't deserve them. Or you.
Especially not you.
We left an hour later. I sat a little apart from you in the cab, convinced you'd smell Vanessa on me, but I clutched your hand and you seemed happy enough. We got home, and I had a shower while you clanked around in the kitchen making tea. Then we went to bed, and I held you tightly until you drifted off. I stared at the ceiling for an hour, chilled with self-loathing, and then surprised myself by falling asleep.
Within a few days I was calmer. A drunken mistake: these things happen. I elected not to tell you about it—partly through self-serving cowardice, but more out of a genuine knowledge of how little it meant, and how much it would hurt you to know. The ratio between the two was too steep for me to say anything. After a fortnight it had sunk to the level of vague memory, the only lasting effect an increased realization of how much I wanted to be with you. That was the only time, in all our years together, that anything like that happened. I promise you.
It should all have been okay, a cautionary lesson learned, but then the first hunger pangs came and everything changed for me. If anything, I feel lucky that we've had ten years, that I was able to hide it for that long. I developed the habit of occasional solitary walks in the evening, a cover that no-one seemed to question. I started going to the gym and eating healthily, and maybe that also helped to hide what was happening. At first you didn't notice, and then I think you were even a little proud that your husband was staying in such good shape.
But a couple of years ago that pride faded, around about the time the kids started looking at me curiously. Not very often, and maybe not even consciously, but just as you started making unflattering remarks about your figure, how your body was not lasting out compared to mine, I think at some level the children noticed something too. Maddy had always been daddy's girl. You said so yourself. She isn't any more, and I don't think that's just because she's growing up and going out with that dickhead. She's uncomfortable with me. Richard's overly polite too, these days, and so are you. It's like I've done something which none of us can remember, something small which nonetheless set me apart from you. As if we're all tip-toeing carefully around something we don't understand.
You'll work out some consensus between you. An affair. Depression. Something. I know you all care for me, and that it won't be easy, but it has to be this way. I'm not telling you where I'm going. It won't be one of the places we've been on holiday together, that's for sure. The memories would hurt too much.
After a while, a new identity. And then a new life, for what it's worth. New places, new things, new people: and none of them will be you.
I've never seen Vanessa since that night, incidentally. If anything, what I feel for her is hate. Not even for what she did to me, for that little bite disguised as passion. More just because, on that night ten years ago, I did something small and normal and stupid which would have hurt you had you known. The kind of mistake anyone can make, not just people like me.
I regret that more than anything: the last human mistake I made, on the last night I was still your husband and nothing else. That I was unfaithful to the only woman I've ever really loved, and with someone who didn't matter to me, and who only did it because she had to.
I knew she must have had a boyfriend—I just didn't realize what kind of man he would be.
I CAN'T SEND THIS LETTER, can I? Not now, and probably not even later. Perhaps it's been nothing more than an attempt to make myself feel better; a selfish confession for my own peace of mind. But I've been thinking of you while I've been writing it, so in that sense at least it is written to you. Maybe I'll find some way of keeping track of your lives, and send this when you're near the end. When it won't matter so much, and you may be asking yourself what exactly it was that happened.
But probably that's not fair either, and by then you won't want to know. Perhaps if I'd told you earlier, when things were still good between us, we could have worked out a way of dealing with it. It's too late now.
IT'S NEARLY FOUR O'CLOCK.
I'll come back some day, when it's safe, when no-one who could recognize me is still alive. It will be a long wait, but I will come. That day's already planned.
I'll start walking at Oxford Street, and walk all the way back up, seeing what remains and what has changed. The distance at least will stay the same, and maybe I'll be able to pretend you're walking it with me, taking me home again. I could point out the differences, and we'd remember the way it was: and maybe, if I can recall it clearly enough, it will be like I never went away.
But I'll reach Falkland Road eventually, and stand outside looking up at this window; not knowing who lives here now, only that it isn't us. Perhaps if I shut my eyes I'll be able to hear your voice, imagine you sitting inside, conjure up the life that could have been.
I hope so. And I will always love you.
But it's time to go.
Copyright © Michael Marshall Smith 1997, 2002.
Originally published in slightly different form in THE MAMMOTH BOOK OF DRACULA: VAMPIRE STORIES FOR THE NEW MILLENNUM. Reprinted by permission of the author. All rights reserved.
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